Local News: Medusa Icing Out the Men?
PHILADELPHIA — Café has city brewing in conflict. Envisioned as a safe space for women and the LGBTQ+ community, Medusa Café has unexpectedly become a popular destination for men who “refuse to be stonewalled by viper-tongued [OMITTED].”
Owner Medusa Gorgon [age unknown] decided to try her head at small business last year, “Philly’s coffee scene was frozen. I’ve always been ahead of my time and intuitively, I knew the community craved more than caffeine.”
Committed to giving her customers a nurturing experience, Gorgon opened a café that doubled as a services center, offering everything from pro bono divorce counseling to snake massage therapy.
“Medusa Café quickly became our mecca and I think the menfolk got angry seeing us women transform before their eyes” says Barb Wyre, a 51-year-old retired-wife-turned-Kundalini-coach.
A unique business approach that led the café becoming talk of the town is that customers never order. The café’s innovative “Oracle of Delphi” system asks visitors to simply surrender themselves and accept “empathetic” services based on the “vibes” that Gorgon discerns from patrons. Rave reviews and fierce customer loyalty followed, yet a small cohort remained unsatisfied with Gorgon’s methods.
“The City of Brotherly Love has turned girly!” states Men’s Rights activist Richard “Dick” Weasel, who filed a sex-based discrimination lawsuit against the café earlier this month.
“I told myself, Dick, you’re not gonna let some man-hating female boss you around! So I marched right past her ‘NO PIGS PERMITTED’ sign, then that devil woman fed me poison!”
“It was absolutely not poison” attests Gorgon. “Dick refused to leave and I was kind enough to provide him with a counseling referral. He rejected that, so I was forced to intuit a beverage based on his aura.” Contents of the beverage provided to Weasel remain undisclosed due to proprietary rights.
“It’s Dick’s own fault. I was married to the man for twenty years and he’s the biggest [OMITTED] I know” remarks Cathy D’Bates, a recent University of Pennsylvania law graduate and co-counselor on the café’s legal team.
An “Off With Her Head” Facebook group was created in response to Weasel’s accusations against Gorgon, encouraging the community to condemn the café “by any means necessary”. Within days, the online group was forcibly disbanded after threats of violence against Gorgon were forwarded to law enforcement.
“It’s despicable seeing these toxic men perpetuate hate and ableism” says Pegasus Gorgon. “My mother’s beheading was traumatic and it’s not something to joke about.”
Asked her feelings on the matter, Gorgon’s headsnakes roll their eyes and she shares, “Their lack of creativity is what really rattles me. You can’t behead a woman twice. Men, on the other hand…”
Unable to disseminate online their perceived “feminazi threat against our city’s proud, Christian-oriented legacy”, members of the local Men’s Rights chapter began entering Medusa Café “as a form of our God-given right to protest!” claims Weasel.
Enquiring if Gorgon has concerns regarding the current lawsuit and uptick of “toxic male visitors”, she responds, “Look, I’m a survivor of sexual assault. I’ve fought sexism for millennia, and while I’m tired of having to be strong, I’m prepared to stare these ogres straight in the eyes and fight.”
As Men’s Rights members continue to cross the line into Medusa Café, rumors abound of Gorgon serving “semen foam lattes to registered sex offenders” as well as stories of “Red Velvet cortados steeped with snake venom” allegedly served to Donald Trump supporters. All claims remain unsubstantiated.
“I was lucky! I took one sniff of that witch’s potion and hightailed it outta there” says Weasel. “But my comrades are missing!”
The Philadelphia Missing Persons Unit confirmed that as of this week, 92 members of the Men’s Rights Philadelphia chapter were officially reported as Missing Persons. The investigation remains ongoing.
Questioned if the café will reconsider their “anti-men” policy, Gorgon clarifies, “No such policy exists. The ‘NO PIGS PERMITTED’ sign is a self-reflection tool and whatever conclusions people make of themselves are not my problem.”
